Trust me

Those with toddlers know that young kids aren't really able to lie. Sometimes they might tell you something wrong because they hope it's true, rather than a deliberate attempt to deceive. As they get older, preschoolers may become more intentional about telling you something they know is not true, but they are so bad at lying, that it doesn't take a trained parent to identify the lie. ("Did you just push your sister?" "ahhhh... no... she just fell down by herself... I was only hugging her... uh um, she needed to be moved...")

We're now entering new territory with Meredith. I had the following potty-related discussion [warning: potty talk ahead] with her this evening:

Meredith steps out of the bathroom and says hi to Elaine while I'm changing her diaper.

ME: Meredith, did you wipe after you went potty?

MER: [with only the slightest hint of a mere possibility of hesitation] Yes. I did.

ME: Really? It doesn't seem you were in their long enough?

MER: No I did. I did wipe.

ME: It's okay if you didn't wipe. All you have to do is go back in there. It's not a big deal. Just please be sure to tell me the truth.

MER: [slightly agitated] No, I did. [pause] Trust me.

ME: [speechless] hmmm...

MER: Daddy, you have to trust me. I did wipe.

ME: Really?

MER: [more agitated] Yes... [but] don't look in the bathroom.

All the way up to this point I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth. This is a new level of sophistication, although the plea not to look shows she doesn't quite have the skill down.

ME: You can't tell me not to look. I'm wondering if you're telling me the truth. It's okay if you didn't wipe, but I need you to be truthful with Daddy.

MER: No! Don't look! Trust me Daddy.

I look.

ME: Okay, it looks like you didn't use toilet paper. I need you to wipe right now. We'll talk more about telling the truth after Elaine goes to bed.

Mer: [She complies, but protests.] Why didn't you trust me? You should trust me when I ask you to!

I of course explain that's not really how trust works, that trust has to be earned with honesty. That if she tells me the truth instead of lies, it will be easier for me to trust her. We put off the rest of the discussion until later.

Her attempts to deceive by telling us not to look or come upstairs has been going on for many months. "Daddy, you shouldn't check on me after I go to bed" very clearly means she's planning to get out of bed and play the moment I'm gone.

The "TRUST ME" thing is brand new and the source is clearly none other than a television show. It's PBS's fault. There's a show that is now her favorite. She's probably watched it 5 total times. It's called "Super Why!" They had a variation of the story of the boy who cried wolf, but with a different lesson. In this version the boy is actually being honest the whole time about seeing the wolf, but the adults don't believe him because they don't see the wolf right away and accuse him of lying. In the end, he pulls out that word like a weapon: "I'm asking you to TRUST me. I'm telling the truth." The adults agree that they should trust him and not dismiss him out of hand, and then they see the wolf. (The wolf, for what it's worth says hello and apologies for disappearing before.)

Even at the time of viewing, Jen and I were concerned that it wasn't the lesson we wanted Meredith to receive. I think the original boy-who-cried-wolf fable does an excellent job of teaching the importance of being trustworthy. You are trusted because you are trustworthy, not simply because you assert that you should be trusted. For Meredith's age, you can leave out the wolf eating all the sheep; but the idea that if you don't tell the truth, people will stop believing or even listening to you. Anyone who has known a social 4 year-old knows that that message would resonate. Nothing seems to upset Meredith more than the feeling she is not being listened to.

The last thing about young kids is how amazing their brains are. Most of the time they seem to not be paying attention to anything. And yet, their brains soak up so much. This five minute segment of a show gave her a whole new (negative) communication approach she was able to use several days later.